Why Sunrisers Hyderabad are the greatest IPL team ever
The IPL. In these crazy, covid-y times cricket has been the only sport (apart from archery, lawn bowls, synchronised diving, pole-vault and polo (horse not water)) which hasn’t been affected by a lack of fans. The passionate nutjobs who once filled the stands are now beamed in on Zoom, and I prefer watching them relentlessly dance alone in their own home. But who will be crowned kings of IPL? There is only one answer – the Sunracing Hyperlads.
For a start, we all know the most important part of any cricket team is the moustache of the captain. Werner has been sporting a strong tash this season – rivalled only by Loki Ferguson. On top of being an absolute tashman, Werner has been slotting runs for fun.
Frequently joining him has been Jonny Barstool, who’s aggressive gobby shithousery has carried the Hydradads to the edge of the playoffs. As the tournament goes on and he gets increasingly hot and pissed off, his shitehawkery is only going to increase. In the final an overly hot ginger from Yorkshire is gonna have no trouble pissing off weak-minded players like Kohli, who will eventually throw their wickets away just to escape the barrage of abuse they receive. An opening duo of Werner and Barstool creaming every ball no matter whether or not they thought they *should* is the ultimate Meme Team when the ball still has shine on it.
Next in is Panda, who does exactly what a number 3 should do, score 15 off 10 and then fuck off back to the dugout. Then you have the nicest man in cricket – Kane ‘you round the park’ Williamson. He saps the energy and aggression out of the bowing attack by just being a lovely guy.
Then here come the Indian lads who come in for a swing and don’t bowl. Samad and Parag and Garg are just what you look for in the middle order. Fancy blue shoes and fucktons of energy in the field.
In terms of bowling attack, the Hyenachads are absolutely stacked with talent. Naratajan can deliver more Yorkies than a Nestlé delivery van. Sharma is just good. Then Rashid Khan. Who knew the cricket gods had taken a sabbatical to the dusty uplands of eastern Afghanistan around a quarter of a century ago? The lad spins it sideways for fun with an astonishing ability to don the most precise beard line in Asia.
Murali lurks in the dugout wearing the playing - not training - kit as an emergency sub waiting to show them all how it's done. Cometh the final and cometh an unexpected slew of Covid positives in steps Sri-Lancashire legend Muralitharan. Tim Flowers powers a solid SR of 105 on the massive boundaries of Sharjah before Muttiah and Haddin combine to stump every batsman in the opposing team. The Zoom crowd goes wild.
Colgate is a fitting back of helmet sponsor for them. They’re going to clean up this year.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: All proceeds** of this article have gone to Everards of Leicestershire, whose exemplary golden ale Sunchaser I the expect preface Hyderabad next season. "Sunchaser's Hyderabad, refreshingly excellent."
**EDITOR'S NOTE: We receive no income for our articles.